ADOLESCENCE is a difficult phase in a child-parent relationship. Each child is unique in their own way, in their own emotional journey, conflicts and communication problems. Rebelliousness and individuality are common among adolescents, just as parents have individual style of parenting, beliefs, attitudes and tactics. All parents know what is wrong for a five-year-old may not be so for a fifteen-year-old.

In the course of this workshop we were conducting, I met a mother who was moaning about her fifteenyear- old son who was ‘useless and out of hand!” The boy was not interested in the theatre workshop, and from day one, he had made it clear he was coerced into it. Slowly, we tried to give him responsibility, involve him and engage him. It’s not that he was averse to learning skills, he was averse to “being constantly told what to do”. Later I learnt he was beaten and often slapped when he disobeyed. This boy was almost six feet tall. His mother said when he was younger, this treatment worked, but now he had the hide of an elephant.

She was doing what her father had done, disciplined the child, she defended herself. She was copying her parents’ style of parenting because it was familiar to her. We all have the tendency to resort to familiar behaviour patterns, even if we do not like them, especially under stress. It is surprising how we morph into our parents sometimes, wearing their skin, without even knowing it! Please think about some key questions. Think back to your childhood, the roadmap to becoming a better parent lies in the past.

Did your parents enjoy being with you and your friends? Did your parents spend time with you? Were they easy to talk to? Was being with them good, bad or okay? Did your parents agree on rules and discipline? Did your parents share responsibility? Were rules clear to you? Did your parents listen to you? How did you handle disagreements between you and your parents? What did you disagree on, money? School grades? Curfew? Disrespect? Drugs? Relationships? Now pretend you are the child and compare your reactions to your child’s.

I read a lovely line, “What fires behaviour is genetics and experience.” Most often, a parent of an adolescent thinks ‘how can I survive?’ and the adolescent thinks ‘how can they get off my back?’ Remember, the adolescent is not a child anymore and neither an adult.

There are lots of issues we worry about, and rightly so. Drugs, sex, alcohol, anorexia, to name a few. Sexuality is about biology, psychology, values, and family beliefs.

Adolescents will think and discuss sex, so why not try having an open-ended discussion about it with them? Dialogue is a wonderful bridge for any age group. If only young adults could realise the damage alcohol does to the brain, it would lead to a healthy body in the future.

For example, television and movies show dating leading to couples landing up in bed together. Rather, dating leads to relationship building, it’s fun helps know each other. Let’s talk about the larger picture not just the dos and don’ts. Let’s start the talk.