I drove like a maniac the other day, but somehow kept coming up against red traffic lights. Every few kilometres I would get a red light, was I the only idiot who stopped constantly? I asked myself, slamming on the brakes of the car. Thoughts were tangled up in my head like a ball of wool around a cat. Every time I stopped, I had a chance to catch my breath and sort out my thoughts; willy nilly I calmed down a little. I looked out the window and the flowers in the park looked so sprightly. I could see someone’s scarf blowing in the wind; obviously Spring was in the air. I saw a girl hang onto her friend’s arm as she laughingly crossed the road. Thank god for the red light, her laugh lit up so many faces. I was amazed looking at my face in the windshield mirror, was it smiling back? And at who? I realised every thought I have, is impacting the next thought. It’s only a thought and the power of thought impacts the present moment!

Action is the enemy of thought. What was the problem, I asked myself.

It’s never one thought that tangles the mind, it’s a collection of negative thoughts that do. One gives birth to the other and before you know it, it’s like a viral spread all over the body.

Okay, I had yelled at my husband, I had been impatient and the fault was mine. I had gone for a film audition carrying this guilt that blackened into frustration. That morphed into irritation because it was a young boy who told me I was late and could I please let them know! “Oh for god’s sake, stop being so melodramatic”, I wanted to say but ignored him instead. Another wrong. Perhaps, to get his own back, he told me to memorise the dialogue in hindi to which I replied that my hindi was not so hot and I could do a ‘hinglish’ memorisation instead. That first reading went poorly, so I presumed I was awful and just left without giving it another try. When I mentioned this to my daughter, she repeated what I tell my students, “Ma, you have to focus! Focus on the character, get into it, a deep breath and leave the day behind, just get into the character!” Now she was my mother! Irritation had hardened into anger at myself that led to disappointment. I realised I could not enjoy today because of what happened in the past. How the past grips us!

Sometimes when we are hurt in the past, we cannot love again. When someone does something bad to you, you think it will happen again today. Because someone did something in the past to you, you blame them for ruining your peace of mind forever. When someone got angry at you, you held on self righteously like a martyr. Because I lied at one point, I punish myself forever. If I failed, I believe I will do so again. The thing is what hurts us, only hurts us. The other person does not probably remember. It’s important to let go, to forgive yourself and dry clean the mind on a daily basis. Like when you think back at what you wore in the third grade at your birthday party, that awful dress! You smile; it’s just a memory. The same needs to happen with those past painful experiences, they need to be dry cleaned and placed on a memory tray as ‘memories’. (which is extremely hard…).

Moral of the story: No point growing ‘old’ with hurt, resentment, anger and revenge; better to look and stay ‘young’ through forgiveness and letting go.

(The writer is a theatre director and novelist)